tonight, tonight

First Date tonight. Should be worthwhile, really.

...now I wish I were at dinner with you, though.

*sigh*

but....

but...god damn it...I need *you*....

please, don't let me go.

...Don't let me go. I need you. I need this.....

falling / this has to stop

It's been one year since life fell apart and I'm now deciding between complacency and integrity. I must sit here with tears literally streaming down my face and letting go entirely, and you and I both know damn well the impossible is the later in both situations.

I choose the easiest day, the one where I find most pleasure mixed with a healthy amount of pain. I enjoy the struggle, I find normalcy in a fair amount of stress. To let go of these situations would be to rid of everything I have come to know, which in the end equates to confusion, complication, and a severe lack of healthy relationships.

I seek out pain. I seek out disadvantage. I enjoy being the other person. I enjoy the torture of knowing I'm not good enough. I find some sick pleasure in that tone of voice. I love the general emotional abuse and lack of reciprocation of friendship.

All in the name of not being alone on a Friday or Saturday night.

So what's it going to be? It's an email for validation I never get back. It's phone call cut short.

These are the bad. These are the typical I put up with for the Friday, the Saturday, so that I get validation that I may not be ugly, alone, worthless - when the other 5 or 6 nights I may not be good enough on various accounts.

Don't get me wrong, I get it. He's Just Not That Into You.

But he can treat me like a friend, treat me like a respected human being. I realize I have had bad moments, downfalls, and have been less than ideal. That may not make me a good girlfriend (to anyone...) but I am a great friend to many people. I'm convinced this makes him a terrible person for not even being able to be a decent friend, let alone anything above and beyond.

I was content earlier. He was he and I was me, and we would coexist until tomorrow and then tomorrow would be, well, tomorrow. But I'm fucking losing it now. I'm fucking LOSING IT.

This has to stop. I can't disregard my dignity for a person who will not and does not respect me.

This has to stop. I will not sacrifice my life for someone who disregards my life for his benefit.

This has to stop. I am wasting my time.

This has to stop.

Love is Not a Hallmark Holiday (It Is a Mixtape)

This wraps up the end of a hallmark holiday, a day we are forced to make up love, express love, tell someone we love, and somehow decide we need love from another to be happy.

My plan was to love myself and be happy with the love I'm given, without forcing it, without taking it for granted. When I told him about my plan, he wanted to join me, completely altering my purpose. But it meant I would be with him on this otherwise terribly lonely day, and that meant it wouldn't be terrible and lonely. So what am I supposed to do, when things work out?

I cave.

So we spend it together, as friends, because that is what we are, and according to Courtney, that is what we look like sitting at the bar at the dirty bird. That is how we interact in public, we are - the best of, but friends still. And to make it otherwise would mean to rock this boat, to ruin grace, to lose track of this simple kind of life.

So I say OK. OK, I digress. OK, I will stop worrying about tomorrow. OK, I will be happy, because today was a good day...just like every other day has been, even though I feared they wouldn't have been. OK, I will take it if it isn't. Because this is what it's meant to be. So have at it, life. Give me our mixtape, give me our nights, give me our IMs, give me our texts, give me his hugs, give me him until it breaks. Because I quit fighting. I quit wanting someone else, something else, because nothing is better.

----

I just want one more time.

and for something new

I'll always love you too.

--

God, this sucks.

Don't You Know (One Year).

So it's been a year, and what a year it's been. I've been in trouble, caused trouble, found myself wanting trouble, wanting love and generally avoiding loss entirely. I've now had to choose my losses, cutting my losses, wanting less for myself, because in the end, I now have too much.

I want too much.

I have so much, and now I have everything I want. I have him right where he's been since %$#@ May, and I have no good reason for it. What has he been, but there? What has he done, but break up with me every four weeks? Who has he been, but a terrible boyfriend...and a good friend that I only see in his bedroom and on %$#@ yahoo messenger?

He has been nothing, except my comfort. And will continue to be so, because getting rid of him is getting rid of the reason I am OK.

I am OK because I have lost 20 pounds since I tried to kill myself. I am OK because I have my own apartment, my own career, my own friends, my own life. I am not OK because of him. But he...he gives me some semblance of a reason.

And now I have met another reason, and I am lying my way to my grave to keep him from knowing the truth to my life. The love, the pain, the pills. They are secrets, and secrets they will keep. I have no desire to tell someone. I have no desire to hurt anymore. The less I open up, the less I hurt.

This is where the problem starts, don't you know.

And so this week will come and go, and hearts will break, don't you know.

And Saturday will come and go, and I will spend it at the bar with my friend bartending...and him, because he invited himself to be my valentine's day date / accomplice (when the person who should be such is MIA for the weekend) ...don't you know.

And I will exist, without tears, because I refuse to hurt anymore.

Don't you know.

When Chocolate Isn't Enough

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

I need a midol - my m and ms, popcorn, and bottle of water isn't doing it. I've finally started to cry, which means either: pms is in full effect, or I just need to hide away until Sunday. Until all this schoolwork passes and until he has his Doubleheader Date....because I'm not his this weekend. I hate when I'm not his and he's not mine. I'm just fine when I'm not his on my perogative. But god damnit, I want it to be how its always been.

And the past is slowly slipping away.

Well, save for the fact last March or May or whatever it was came biting me in the ass today and a great guy can no longer date me, because his brother's best friend phyiscally assaulted me on numerous occasions after dating me (this, and I already met "great guy"...and his now ex-girlfriend.) This makes a good story to fabricate for my book, but otherwise makes me incredibly depressed that this world is too small and otherwise causes drama preventing my ultimate happiness.

I'm just an apple at the top of the tree. Maybe if I fall someone will catch me...it's lonely waiting for someone to make an effort to reach up.

This Is How

I lost.

I'd prefer you to just play OAR's Shattered on repeat, because that's pretty much exactly how I feel.

War

This is war.

Settle

So I'm trying to sort out my thoughts here, trying to figure out why I'm sad. I'm not sure if my sadness is a fear of the unknown, or an unwillingness to let go. I try, don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up...I think I just don't want life to change. I was comfortable. I'm afraid of resetting, or finding new happiness.

But in this new happiness is new comfort....just without him. I don't IM him. I don't call him. I don't hear his voice, feel his hands, touch his skin. His closeness is lacking, and I keep on, day to day, tear to tear, lacking any understanding to why this is such a problem. It just is. A problem irrelevant to my life, because my life is just that irrelevant of him. But he was part of it. He made it. He supported it, gave me strength, and let me fly. And was there when I landed, everytime.

And so now I schedule, I exist, and he's not there. Maybe he will be if I needed him....but these are my tears, for today: I don't need him.

And so this dust from the storm settles. The storm of the unsure of the past two years. Everything in life is OK. So I'll let it all settle, waiting for the OK to take shape. And in the same, know that he is all that is not. And that's why I cry. Because in this dust, he is the only thing that will never settle. That will never be OK. The only thing still lost.

The only thing I will never have.